A Bone...

[Alissa Sorenson]

My friend AmyPG invited me to see this today. At first, I was skeptical, but I tried to keep an open mind, and I was happy to be hanging out with Amy. By the end, she and I were working together on helping each other "glow." (The use of the word "glow" was starting to sound cultish by the end of the film, but the message is still good. Basically, find your joy, be in your truth, that kind of stuff.)

One of the women in the film said, "Focus on what you feel most passionate about, what brings you the most joy; whatever tears at your heartstrings, do that."

Focus has always been an issue for me. So, I tried to think about what brings me the most joy. When I sold Pumpkin Button Up Cloche at Agora, that felt so wonderful. It wasn't just about someone buying something I made -- it was knitting, and my design, and I enjoyed making it so much, and I loved putting it on her head, she looked so beautiful in it, and the fact that she had seen it, and came back for it, and her boyfriend was buying it for her. Somebody loved it THAT MUCH. And I loved that. Swoon!

Then I tried to compare that with knitting art. I have these ideas for knitted art, but I'm procrastinating. Sometimes I procrastinate because the project is still cooking on the back burner, but sometimes I procrastinate because I dread the intensity of getting into a project like that. And sometimes I procrastinate because something else sounds like more fun -- like knitting hats and making imprints on silk scarves.

I'm trying to not guilt myself about any of this. I'm trying to say, "So, you are making this right now. That's fine." But there is also this little voice saying, "Don't forget about ME! I have something important to share, too!" It's like this little person jumping up and down inside my brain waving her arms. And then I am forced to think about it again, and not think about what I am working on, which sucks all the joy out.

What I want most is to bring it all together and be one, whole person. I still don't know how to do that.

Sometimes I feel like I make art about the ugly stuff, which gets that out of the way so I can make beautiful things to share with people. Which basically means art is therapy. And therapy is sometimes necessary, but not always fun. But back to focusing on what brings me joy: making art does not bring me the kind of joy that knitting beautiful things for people to wear does. It is cathartic, but doesn't leave me feeling satisfied.

Right now, the knitted art in my mind is being turned into wearable art. And this, I think, might be the path to wholeness I am seeking.

And this is how I feel today.

I plan to start posting videos about process. We'll see how it goes. Stay tuned...